this one's not even funny.

On Saturday (Halloween), someone threw an umbrella into the hippo exhibit. The hippos tore it to shreds, chewed on it, and presumably swallowed some of it. They were immediately taken off exhibit for medical attention. As far as I know, both hippos are okay.

People are so dumb it makes me angry.

random ridiculousness.

Guy: These stairs go upstairs?

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We have a 3D Spongebob Squarepants movie at the aquarium.

Foreign Lady: Which way to see Spongebath?

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I'm outside on my lunchbreak, eating a sandwich, reading "Japanese for Dummies." A guy walks by.
Guy: Hey, you work in there?
Me: Yeah.
Guy: They have an employee discount? Hey, why's your nametag say x-agent?
Me: I'm an "Xperience Agent."
Guy: Oh. So there a discount?
Me: Yeah, if you work here, they'll let you in for free and stuff.
Guy: Cool. Hey, what you readin? [gets right up in my face to look at the cover]
Me: Japanese for Dummies.
Guy: Oh. What is it, like, jokes?
Me: No, it's Japanese. I'm learning to speak Japanese.
Guy: [starts to walk away] Oh, cool. You goin to Korea sometime soon?
Me: Uh. You never know!
Guy: Ha! Just in case, right! Ha! Take it easy!

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I'm dressed in the mascot costume- a giant blue shark. A family approaches. A woman and a little girl run up to me. The woman hands her camera to a man, "Uncle Rick." Uncle Rick tries to take a picture backwards, with the digital screen facing us and the lens facing him. When he tried to push the button with his finger, he seemed utterly dumbfounded as to why there was no button there. "Uncle Rick, it's backwards!" said the little girl. Then Uncle Rick figured it out.

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At different times, the employees will take an animal out into a certain area so that guests can look at it up-close. One of these areas is called the "Rainforest," where there are fake trees in which our different parrots can perch. On this occasion, the employee is holding an African Pygmy Hedgehog, and there happens to be a blue and gold Macaw perched in the tree above him.
Woman: [looks at hedgehog, then parrot] After how many years does a hedgehog turn into a bird?
Employee: [shakes head]

at touch-a-ray.

The following encounters happened at touch-a-ray. [ray = stingray]

Guy: You guys have stingrays here?
Employee: Yep, right there. [points to water]
Guy: Oh! In the water.

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Guy to his friend: I wonder how closely these are related to horseshoe crabs. 'Cause they're the same shape.

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The room in which touch-a-ray sits closes for 15 minutes every hour so the animals can rest. A little boy ran under the stanchions and stuck his hand in the stingray tank. The employees and the boy's parents approached him and told him that he couldn't touch right now because the animals were resting.
Little boy: [pulling his hand out, terrified] Am I going to jail?

in the hippo exhibit.

The following encounters happened in WARE, or the West African River Experience exhibit at the Aquarium. [editor's note: most, if not all, of the animals in this exhibit can be found in places other than West Africa. I'm not kidding.] This exhibit holds a large porcupine, a few dozen free-flying birds, and 2 female hippopotamuses.


An employee is carrying a 20-inch long plastic replica of a hippo tusk.
Man: Is that an elephant tusk?
Employee: No, this is a hippo tooth.
Man: Oh, yeah. You don't have elephants here... do you?

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Every year, we celebrate our older hippo's birthday. It's huge event, with banners outside, decorations all through the inside, large inflatable cakes, a 8-foot tall plastic Dr. Seuss-esque cake in the cafe, and a smaller replica of that cake, which is wheeled into the hippo exhibit every day, while simultaneously, a "cake" made of vegetables (since the hippos are herbivores) is given to the hippos, and then everyone sings them "Happy Birthday" (in a flagrant display of copyright infringement).
Lady seeing the big cake being wheeled out: Oooh! It must be somebody's brithday!
Employee: Yes! We're celebrating the Hippo's birthday! That's why there are decorations all over the place, and every employee you've seen today has been wearing a "hippo's birthday" t-shirt.
Lady: Oh.

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Lady to son: Hippos can open their mouths 180 degrees! That's a full circle! [draws circle with finger]

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Guy: Do the hippos have to keep moving all the time to keep water moving over their gills?

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Person: Wow! The rhinos are so beautiful! I didn't know they spent so much time in the water!

at creature feature.

The following encounters happened at "creature feature," a pool where you can touch sea stars, sea cucumbers, anemones, and other tide pool animals.

"Creature Feature" is closed for its hourly 15-minute break. So you can't touch the animals.
A woman asks if she can still take pictures.
Yes, she can.
She says she doesn't know how to take the flash off, is that okay?
Yes, that's fine.
She says, wait, I can take a flash picture and wake the animals up, but my kids can't touch them?
Again, yes.
This debate continues for 10 minutes.
"Creature Feature's" break ends, and people are once again allowed to touch.
The woman's children don't want to touch them, and they leave.

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Sometimes people mistake the clumps of sea stars for an octopus.

Guy: Look, honey! An Octopotamus!

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Large Man: [looks at sea cucumber, then his wife/girlfriend] Come on, you'll touch my dick but not this?

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"Creature Feature" is about a foot deep, but there is a shallow shelf running around the outside edge of the tank, so it's easier for small children to touch the animals on the shelf.

An employee watches a father roll his daughter's pant legs up, pick her up, and begin lowering her into the exhibit.
Employee: Um, no! This exhibit is for fingers, not bodies!
Father: Oh! We were just sitting her on the bench [points to shelf].

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Old Asian Man With Heavy Accent: This... uh... sea enema?
Employee: What? Oh, no, no. Anemone. Surf Anemone.
Old Man: Oh, yes. Very good.

at touch-a-shark.

The following encounters take place at touch-a-shark, where you can touch sharks.

Dad: See, honey, this is the sharks' house.
Little Girl: If this is their house, where's their TV?

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Man: What is dees? Sharks?
Employee: Yes, Bamboo sharks.
Man: How much do one of dees cost?
Employee: Um, we don't sell them here. You can't buy them.
Man: [pulls out camera and takes a picture of the sharks] I'ma get me one of dees fishes.

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Man: Do these sting?

an apology.

I haven't updated this thing in forever. I've been riding my bike to work, and therefore haven't been able to easily carry the notebook in which these quotes are written. I drove today. The book got brought home today. The blog gets updated today.

confusion abounds.

On the second floor, there is an interactive exhibit where little kids can crawl through a hole in the wall and into a small room. This interactive also happens to be near the men's room.

Father, seeing the men's room sign near the interactive: Aww, it's a tiny little men's room!

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Stingrays (and sharks, and sawfish...) use a hole called a spiracle to breathe. This works as a pump, opening and closing, pushing water over the animal's gills. On stingrays, it is very large and located directly behind their eyes. A very concerned grandmother and grandson approach.

Grandma: Excuse me, we have to ask why you removed the eyes from all of your stingrays in the big tank. The hole looks big enough to put my fist through!
Employee: Oh, that's no their eye socket, it's their spiracle, its how they breathe.
Grandma: Oh, no. You don't understand, let me show you.
Employee: No, really, it's how they breathe. We didn't remove any of their eyes.
[Grandma proceeds to insist showing the employee, who then points out where the animals' eyes are.]

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Woman looking at prawn (large shrimp): Can we touch the roaches?

inappropiateness.

Boisterous hispanic family comes into the stingray touching area.

Adult: Yo! Touch a stingray, yo!
12-year old: Nah, you touch it!
Adult: No, you do it! You scared!
12-year old: Man, you such a fag! You touch boners, but you won't touch a stingray!

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From our corporate safety training video: If it's wet and it's not yours, don't touch it.

reading and listening.

Mom and three kids walk into Touch-A-Shark. I start talking, and the kids are listening.

Me: Hi, guys, you can touch any shark with-
Mom: Kids! Listen! Mr. Matt is going to tell you how to touch a shark.
Me: ..uh, with two fingers, and try not-
Mom: He's telling you how to touch. Are you listening?
Me: ...um, try not to touch fins or tails...

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Two grandparents approach the touch area with a little girl. She tries to come in the exit.

Grandma: No no no, look, see? It says "exit." What's that sign say?
Girl: "Enter Here?"
Grandpa: Right!

They come in, I explain that all the animals are touchable and totally safe to touch. They approach the Touch-A-Jelly exhibit, which is clearly labeled.

Grandma: We can't touch jellies, can we?
Grandpa: Can we touch the jellies?
Me: That's what it says!

...and another! what are the chances?

Creature Feature is an exhibit where you can touch tide pool animals (sea stars, etc). Next to Creature Feature is the Culture Kitchen, a functioning space in which the biologists grow artemia, aka brine shrimp, aka sea monkeys to be fed to the fish. The artemia are growing in upside-down pyramid shaped plastic containers. Since there are billions of orangey-pink artemia in the water, it just looks like orangey-pink water.

Kid at Creature Feature: That's urine.
Kid's father: What?
Kid: It's urine!

finally, a pee story.

I am incredibly sad to say I was not present for this. A coworker of mine was facilitating the touch-a-shark exhibit, a knee-height pool about 6 feet across and 20 feet long, containing about 20 small sharks. A group of special needs people, who were high-school age or perhaps slightly older, and their chaperones came into the exhibit and began touching sharks without incident. Then, without warning, one of the kids inserted his thumb into the waistband of his sweatpants, yanked them down a few inches, and began urinating into touch-a-shark. My coworker's response was to yell "Hey! Stop him! You gotta stop him right now!" at which point the chaperones stopped him. It is still unclear whether the boy finished his business or was forced to stop mid-stream. There were families present, and children were quickly whisked away by their shocked parents. The exhibit was closed for about an hour so that water quality could be checked and so that the water filters could work their magic.

This, as far as I've heard, is the only time in the Aquarium's 17-year history that this has happened, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to see it.

identification is fun.

Older Foreign Lady: These sea animals?
Employee: Yes... [unsure, forced smile]

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A 70's-ish woman is standing with her daughter, pointing at various animals as they swim by.

Woman: [points] Ooh! A shark! [points] Ooh! A Turtle! [points to large school of fish] Are those real?

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Our "African" exhibit features hippos, dozens of free-flying birds, and an African Crested Porcupine, which hides behind a log (it's nocturnal), has 3-foot quills, and weighs about 40 pounds.

Woman: [points at porcupine] Ooh! Look at that big bird!

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At Touch-A-Shark

Woman: These alligators?

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The aquarium is full of interactive things for small kids- buttons to push and levers to pull. One such exhibit requires that you push a red button. Doing this lights up a picture of a Foxface Rabbitfish, which is venomous. In the picture, the Rabbitfish has hypodermic needles in its body, pointing out through its fin spines, to show you that its spines and venom sacs function like a needle injection.

6-year-old boy: [pushes button] Look! Drugs!
The boy pulls on his chaperone's sleeve and gets her to push the button.
Chaperone: Yep, Drugs!

Sharks: big, stinky, beefy, feline.

The aquarium features a big, fake, great white shark hanging from the ceiling. It's about 15 feet long.

Little Girl: [pointing] How old is that shark?
Employee: It's actually just a fake shark.
Little Girl: 30 minutes long!
Employee: You mean how long is the shark? I don't know, but it's big!
Little Girl: 30 minutes!

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At Touch-A-Shark:

Woman: Will they smell like fish if I touch them?
Me: Will they smell like fish if you touch them?
Woman: Yeah.
Me: ...no?

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At Touch-A-Shark:

High School Girl: You feed the sharks steak?
Employee: Steak? Did you say steak?
HSG: Well, I didn't know if you fed them meat, or just, like, fish....
Employee: We feed them fish, which is still meat....
HSG: [blank stare] Ya never know!

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At Touch-A-Shark:

Woman: Are these really sharks or are they catfish?
Employee: Uh, they're definitely sharks, I promise.

mermaids, back-breathing, and whales.

A woman approaches, her kids are slightly out of earshot. She's dead serious.

Woman: Excuse me, do you have mermaids?
Employee: What?
Woman: Do you have Atlantic mermaids?
Employee: Um... no?
Woman: Oh. [To kids] Sorry guys, I really wanted you to see what a real mermaid looked like.

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Man seeing bubbles come out from under a penguin's thick feathers underwater: Hey! Do they breathe out of their backs?

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A man with a thick Indian accent:

Man: You have big whale last time! Big whale!
Employee: Sir, we actually don't have whales here. Maybe you saw our large sharks?
Man: Yes. [Smiles] Big whale.
Employee: No whales.
Man: So big, the whales.

a cute one.

There is one biologist at the aquarium in charge of culturing (growing) and caring for the jellyfish. We have three windows, side by side, that show the three main stages of jellyfish development. The biologist was showing a little girl the window containing the very young jellies, and then moved over to the window showing the even younger, first-stage jellies.

Biologist: [pointing to the exhibit] And this is where the baby jellyfish come from!
Little Girl: Is that the hospital?

recognizing shark species.

At Touch-A-Shark:

Woman: Are these sharks going to get bigger?
Me: These sharks are juveniles, so they're going to jet just a little bit bigger.
Woman: Oh, Juveniles. Is that what kind they are?


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Also at Touch-A-Shark:
Little Asian Boy: [Points at Smooth Dogfish shark] Those... those sharks... th... they weird me out... [uses fingers to give himself slanty eyes] because they're Asian.

snacktime.

The other day, I watched a family of three (father, mother, child) sit down on a bench in the aquarium, open a plastic bag, remove three small ears of corn on the cob, and eat them as a snack.

sleeping whales, trick sharks, and man-eaters.

Woman, running inside after seeing a seal sitting at the bottom of the tank at the clearly labeled "Seal Shores" exhibit: I think there's something wrong with one of your whales!

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In the Shark exhibit, just before a shark talk.

Man: Is this a show where they're going to be doing jumps and flips and stuff?
Me: No, sir. You're thinking of dolphins. These are sharks.
Man: So these don't do that?
Me: No.

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For some reason, I thought that the general public had learned by now that sharks are not "man eaters" that are "out to get us." Oh well.

At touch-a-shark (which contains 3-foot, bottom-feeding sharks)

Woman: We can touch these?
Me: Yep. This is touch-a-shark.
Woman: They're sharks! They'll bite!
Me: No, not all animals bite. Not all dogs bite, right? These guys just bite their food.
Woman: Well, we're food for them, right?
Me: No... [I go on to explain how that's a misconception, sharks eat fish, etc.]
Woman: Wow! You learn something new every day!

proper grammar.

We have three touch exhibits at the aquarium. Each of them closes for 15 minutes per hour. This gives the animals a chance to de-stress, and, if need be, to be fed. "Creature Feature" is the exhibit where you can touch tide pool animals, like sea stars, crabs, anemones, and prawn (big shrimp). The prawn tend to walk around on the bottom. Compared to the other animals in the exhibit, they are by far the quickest and most visibly active.

A woman approaches. She is holding an infant and accompanied by two small (maybe 2 or 3 year-old) children.

Little Girl: We can touch 'em?
Me: Not right now. They're taking a rest now, and you can touch them in a few minutes.
[The little girl notices the prawn walking around on the bottom of the exhibit.]
Little Girl: [pointing] These is woke.
Me: What's that?
Little Girl: These is woke.
Me: I... what?
Woman: [Irritated] She said "These is woke."
Me: You mean... like... these are awake?
Woman: Yeah.
Me: Yep. Yep, they are.